27th feb 2006

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

ah yes life is back to normal.

driving back from movie went to see wiht Themselves, other aged relative and Himself's HORRENDOUS sister, there was a man splayed across the road. not knocked over, but artistically arranged. or drunk. or suicidal. the sighting of whom was followed by racuous commentary. on the way there i was privy to some flesh trading in the backseat. fascinating it was until digs were made about boy wiht literature background who likes languages and works in spain.

film itself [Taxi 9 2 11] was veyr nice, entertaining - in my opinion the primary object of any film, tight, and in many ways the potboiler all dressed up. must admit John Abraham is officially cute. many greek theatrical elemtns - hubris, fatal flaw, chorus...apparnetly the old formulae work.

all billboards seem to feature pregnant women in white spags of late - until realised they just appear preggers to me, in fact they are as svelte as it goes. hmmmmmm.

big question in life is, after all the talk and walls and careful precaution, did someone sneak in through the back door? or is it just a desperate need to populate something i know is a fantasy with real accessible person?

iPodito ROCKS! yay!

way back from film, with people all tlkaing at once about actors and giving off their determined INFURITATING sut up you dont know a damn thing opinions in htta manner that makes me want to rip own arm off and bludgeon them wiht it, sank into little world of peace wiht iPod. i LOVE having one! at some point was struck by similarity to picture of 13yr old sulkily trapped in car ful of parental-age relatives, and using Walkman as escape route. Quite funny actually, until it hit me - im not 13, im 23. Something is wrong with that picture.

Easy Rider

Cigs: 15?
Drinks: 6
Binges: 0

• Bike ride home at 65kmph - check.
• amazing evening around rocker men who are [a] not pricks [b] dont llook down on bon jovi [c] sing alonf to don mclean and john dever - check.
• all of them under 21 - check
• sore throat from screaming lyrics out loudly - check.
• fuzzy smile from lovely day - check.
• lazy eveining hanging with fabulous friend - check.
• sniffles and burning eyes from smoky pub and mad bike ride - check.
• 25 km in 20 min - check.
• unable o even coherently think the things i want to say about people and events - check.
• feeling i belong - check.

gnight.

Babble

Cigs: erm...7?
Drinkes: 1
Binges: french fries! waaaaah

to recap.

• i drove an hour in a traffic jam behind a cab that had METERED TAX ALL CABS written on the back.
• i ran out on a spontaneous ladies night and had fun.
• i et french fries for dinner *cringe*
• i did well on my french exam. tomorrow is the tough one - the oral. *snigger*
• apparently one drink can still hit me if i smoke 7 million cigarettes and eat frenchf ries.
• eighties music is GREAT fun
• play group is pulling all the guilt they have collectiverly and have found an external director who will do it in 10 days he sez [HAH] wiht 4-hr rehearsals. and they still want me to do judith. i wldnt mind, but not at those times.
• apparently ill have to take frnech at 7am. waaaaaaaaaaah

erm

yeah thats it.

bonne nuit

25th Feb 2006

Cigs: o
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

hardly a surpise since all i did was sleep.

Bonjour mes amis! Comment allez-vous? Moi, je vais bien. Comment avez-vour dormir? pardonez-moi, mais je vous dois laisser maintenent parceque ma mere m'appelle.

realised yesterday that dont really see whole house as mine per se, its parentsla house, maybe thats why i feel this need to think when i have my own place and harod things up and take no interest in little domestic thats that would otherwise give me great peace. have decided to change all that.

slept fabuluosly and woke up over half an hour oh love that. house has been green-tented and thusly exqusite monsoon effect has been created, resulting in extreme purriness. its getting horrendously hot. had to sleep in scanty hostel clothing last night which also mean had to wake up fore anyone came IN to wake me up and scurry into the bathroom and wear more presentable things. sigh. wonder if Herself will have a fit if i start using the ac. hee.

Alors! je dois partir! m'attendent a petit-dejuner et je dois porter les raisins en bas. au revoir! a bien tot!

24th Feb 2006

Cigs: 2
Drinks: 0
Binges: chocolate...i resisted for 5 days but noone else ATE the toblerone!!

well it has been done. quite low-key and non harsh or painful. laughter and camaraderie. if only we could have had that in the play itself. friend is hugely upset. devastated. looked like there would be no sunishine in her world. and last year, when i had PHENOMENAL toruble wiht my diva lead actress, when i was stressing like mad, that how i felt at the very thought of not having the play. like i wanted to curl up in corner and cry. today however, im relieved and buoyant.

so amny things i though of saying but people on hat distract me and make me laugh and forget what i wanted to say!!!! dammit!

Why

So this play. Cast of nine. opne close friend, one casual friend and 6 acquaintances. rehearsal time for me - 3hrs a day. rehearsal time for them, 1.5 to 2 hours a day. commuting distance for me: 10km each way. which means that if im out and in the area an hour before rehearsal i dont bother to go home. it means i miss dinner, and get home at 11.00pm atleast thrice a week. commuting distance for them: 5 min at a slow walk from the hostel. joy i get from play: -982364. Stress i get form play: about 70% of all current stress. commitment shown by all but 3 people: well if i havent anything better to do i might just saunter on and mumble my lines. and just because you;re the director dont think i have to listen to you or owe you any respect.

why am i doing this? because the one close friend says its the onyl good thing in her life. fair enough. but then, especially on a day like today, i wonder why they fuck i have to be the one to put so muhc into her having a good thing in her life? extreme bitchiness, of course, for a gazillion reasons. but still. i know for a fact theres atleast one other good thing in her life.

it was supposed to be the good thing in my life. but then i find myself sitting in a largely faintly hostile group of people who ostensibly care what i have and want me there because they need a director and noone on campus is willing to take responsibility. i find myself tired and frustrated and on the verge of tears. almost every day. every evening. yes some of you are committed. but the rest arent. and i do not have the strength to force them. especially when they will not listen to what i have so say and then question precisely what i have answere din the part they question. when they presume on fragile friendship to blatantly ignore every SINGLE request i have REPEATEDLY made in terms verging from friendly and funny to angry and upset. i fond myself going to palce that is cold and empty and alien, that stands as symbol for all that is a wrong with my life and my choices. every day.

and driving home i find myself asking: why?

22nd Feb 2006

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: DAMN THAT TATTAI!

well to being wiht im low on endorphins today because yesterday stupid studio ran out of stupid 4 inch steps so i had to use stupid 8 inch one which meant that my stupid knees hurt a bit and therefore today i had to do stupid mat exercises and didnt get ot get all pumped.

gah

it was also THIRTY DEGREES CENTIGRADE inside the house when i woke up at 8.30 this morning.

on the good news front, finally sorted out horrendous sseat-eight-people-on-stage-without-eight-seats-together dilemma.

21st Feb 2006

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: tattai

so i was very bored in the shower this morning. here are some things you didnt know before you read this post!
1. i banged my head on the towel rail at aerobics class
2. Herself, despite being a Geophysicist, and able to Make Sense of Blotchy Red Maps and wax eloquent over Solar Flares, cannot fold a shirt.
3. whenever i want to try some bath thing out, i cant ever wait til wot i have is over, so my bathroom sill has rows of things that i use as fancy takes me.
4. the lady at aerobics class today actually said: ladies, please wear deodorant and podwer your socks. lol.
5. soon ill hafta take *shudder* cold water baths! of course therein lies the irony of life, in thew summer the cold water is bloody hot unless you bathe at 6am. sigh.

19th feb 2006

Cigs: 1
Drinks: 0
Binges: nothing specific, but unhealthy eating

theres a coupla quotes popped into my life recently that seem to hit home hard.

why is it we think we must handle everything alone? for men, im guesing its the fear-of-vulnerability thing. but what's up with us women? just who are we trying to impress? we presumably have friends and/or family to lean on in times of nbeed. so why is it so hard to do?
- Donna Kauffman 'The Big Bad Wolf Tells All'


And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake. And I don't know how much more I can take. This is it now, Everybody get down, This is all I can take, This is how a heart breaks. You take a hit now you feel it break down, Make you stay wide awake, This is how a heart breaks.
- Rob Thomas 'This is How a Heart Breaks'

spent evening watching TV. actually watching rather nice cricket match where cld exult in the wondrous changes rahul has managed to writ [wring? im looking for the infinitive of wrought here] and then ended up watching The O.C. might actually be addcited and falling in love with ryan. good, he's a safe bet, cant turn around and bite me in the ass. Herself been ill all day so have been minstering angel. Hisself just got back form chennai this mornin and spent evening asleep on sofa and then chuckling in wicked delgiht at the things sanjay manjrekar was saying to imran khan. managed to shock and stun Themselves with wondrous knowledge of form and what a good shot it and strategy and noticing the actual changes mr greg has wrought [see!!!]. was so nice to do that, i dont think have watched sporting event of atleast some interest to all concerned since monica seles won the french open the first time. course sporting event is only possible form of community TV watching.

all this was interspersed with frantic attempts to entice kittens to drink milk on our wall all evening. but they just sit on the other side and meow LOUDLY as if to say HAH! we are HERE! we are HUNGRY! but we shall NEVER be yours! im inferring from the evidence gathered in stealth operation that was problematised by one of em noticing me as i leaned forward resulting in me holding leaning forward position for 5 minutes ow, that it all started when one of em scrambled up a shrub and got stuck on the wall cos it didnt have the balls to jump off. so really no hunger involved, and thats why they proceeded to run right past milk. eventually my skulking scared it enough to tip off the wall and rejoin its tormented littermate and they proceeded to wander the neighbours garden mewing piteously and driving me quite potty.

18th Feb 2006

Cigs: 8
Drinks: 2
Binges: 0

made pasta...yum...all plans to make tomato sauce ruined by empty fridge. so kept chucking things into it and end result quite good. ladies night again, new place. just me and char, thank god. deep conversations about life and let downs and relaitonships and expectation and godknowswot and i think we managed to reahc some conclusions. but i never can coherently remeber or articulate those things. sheh. this followed by animated idscussion about idelogoy and marginal ideology and privielgin and bubbles and self-awareness or the lack thereof and the similarities between the pisspot and greoge bush's america. in pub. both of us in pink. hahaha. actually went to waiter and requested pink candle, to which he said, of course madam it cant be any other oclour. *blush* mish we're goin there when you're here.

also there were 2 boys from regular place, the one who leans in too muhc and sticks han on small of back - not to me of course, im not hot enough to merit the treatment, and other who i used to think was creepy but, possibly because of current company he keeps, turns out ok. but still, its so silly how they will ignore me pointedly unless i am wiht one of my hot firends. right so boy number 1, whom we shall henceforward refer to as moron, is trying to chat up char, supremely unaware off act that has attempted to do so twice before and has been rebuffed and she remembers it even if he doesnt. so both of us are trying to keep straigh faces and moron is doing best to impress. char finally usuas ultimate weapoin and says: im married. moron: oh. and toddles off only to reappear in 5 minutes to say: but youre beautiful. char: i know and desperately turns away to hide laughter. later on moron says, yeah man i think after youre 18 you never grow up more man and yeah man im like that man. and both of us biting lips to not say, and thats a GOOD thing?? she said later that she kept thinking of mean things to say but cldnt. cos he wasnt nasty only stupid. at which point other guys goes, oh i had a facial the other day and its the most painful thyis ever. talking it over later we decided this was decidedly better than moron's conversatoinal topics: yeah man i do drugs man a lot of drugs.

char and me have had fabulous idea. we intend to rent a room for a night in a fancy hotel for a night. it cant be more than expensive dinner. so then we shall bubble bath and get pissed drunk and have girls night. its such a cool thing really cos it is a bit like taking a vacation to lounge in lap of luxury! bathtubs and wotnot, considering i was given bathsalts by irritating cousin, can use em.

have realised play might be a disaster, shall have to have tlak with peple today. i dont have the energy for it. and when i dot have energy noone else will. so we sorta droop our way through rehearsal. and right now it gives me no joy, so it is rather pointless, no?

oo must say at this point, for all the people taking exception to the agitations over the cartoon, howcome noones making a fuss about the fuss bieng made because a gay actor is supposed to aply a missionary in some film??

17th Feb 2006

Cigs: 9
Drinks: 1
Binges: 0

ow ow ow ow. whoda thought it wld take such effort to push the clutch. brutal workout. cannot drive. cannot bring myself to go to rehearsal. everyone else gets days off why cant i? ow ow ow. legs are shaking.

ooo 50 first dates on HBO on the 25th. remind me! still havent signe dup for french exam fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. havent studied either for that matter. gah. one week. ill hafta do it. i can do it. i will do it.

wish to collapse on couch. and watch endless entertaining films. sigh. the problem with 2 storey houses is you hafta walk between them. did i mention ow?

er....righto then.

13-4th Feb 2006

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

the date is half and half on my watch. the dreaded day approaches. will i survive? after all the buildup probably.

had several epiphanies today, cant seem to remember even one. hmmm prolly werent that epiphanic after all.

Act one partially blocked. sigh.

mosquitoes eating me alive. literally.

13th February 2006

cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: subway sandwich chips and cookies. sigh.

wooohooooooooooooooooooooooooo aerobics ROCKED today, am SO PUMPED! YEAAA!

um...unfotunately nufn much more to report. ooo nice evernin wit char in sialing club, much needed yak.

long talk with Herself when had weepy fit of sat night, do feel better so yay! out to dinner wit friends of Themselves, potluck and wotnot so made tortialla depatatas and Herself apple pie, tho really they want MY apple pie muhuhuha, and was told repeatedly that have lost weight! yay! also clothes do seem to fit better. ooo theres thet kjelly clarkson song on the radio.

11th Feb 2006

continued...

bloody blogger wont post my post! keeps asking me to republish later. gah. maybe this will work. have splitting headache, fighting off weepy fits since last night. skewer going through left eyebrow and out the top of my head. finally reading a book after a week - and its a bad choice for a depressed weekend - the middle passage. having trouble keeping down dinner.

staying home with the comuter on saturday nights getting to be distressing habit. went for swim, did 6 lenghts, have lost all stamina, panting wildly halfway through and took 2 lengths before i cld breathe on the left. dammit. the one thing i am good at. was good at.

arms are very painful, the pain has now spread lower down to embrace muscle next to bicep.

i miss my dog. i dont see her when i walk past the window anymore.

edit: the shrink said to me - believe in the myth and who knows it might materialise. to which i want to say - yes and what happens when it dematerialises? again?

11th February 2006

Cis: erm....about 12?
drinks: 0
binges: 0

rehearsals seemt o be going, we have chemistry it appears!
yay!

today was most lovely weather so up on the fourth floor we were also bust taking pfotographs - note to self buy digital camera. note to self - get job and make money to buy digital camera.

off to see the lion the witch and the wardrobe, all by my ownsome. shold be fun. asked hsp, but he's committed to some frnech tthing, with the french bitch i suppose, hmph.

have done summat to shoulders, or rather bit where arms meet shoulders, they hurt dreffly. nice instructor wanst there today so clndt get advice sigh. but ow.

am v thrilled to have finally gotten pictures. i mean had a chance to shoot people after almost 2 years! and i got some ossum ones! and there are some not so bad ones of me too :D

9th February 2006

well this morning i had a nice post and the power just went, and i lost it. it was nice. instead you get this picutre of what i wore to rehearsal yestaerday, because i had to attend a reception just before it.

7th February 2006

Cigs: 8
Drinks: 1
Binges: 0

Nona back today. Also day rahu leaves something so my life is suppose to fix itself. hmmmmmmmmmm. hsp has cheered me up dreffly by new phenomenon of suffixing ever message wit "besos" or some such thing. also gave oblique invitation to come over which i obliquely accepted, leading him to ask me to come over straight out. hmmmmmm. all this obliqueness [and not just spelling it] is giving me a headache. stupid boy.

dance routine in aerobics class today. fun! course instructor was looking like item girl while i was sorta of flopping about forlornly like a large grey orca, but still! seem to be really pumped. am getting addicted to the endorphins. non-aerobics days SUCK. and i have an extra one this week. *whimper* can i just not get out of bed that day?

MIC seems to be putting line to friend, sigh so shall gracefully withdraw from the no contest. he was kind enough to give me a ride last ngiht - good thing since there wasnt a chooch to be found, plus i dunno how safe a chooch wld have been at that hour - and was assailed by knee-weakness at sheer hotness of him. sigh. its not fair! an attempt to explain why he has this effect on me to friend resulted in much hilarity so will spare ye all. but. sigh. *drool* *swoon*

5th February 2006

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

well its been a strange day. after feeling of having aged too much and dear friend's departure, lay around watching friends and crying at legally blonde 2 - yup, its official i need professional help.

went to pisspot out of sheer boredom. did some desultory line-reading. judith is half the play. oh dear. stupid guy smothered me with affection to make my dear friend jealous - and this si the second time he's pulled the exact same trick with a different girl as target, he only does it cos he knows they arent the kind of girls who would get jealous if he hit on some babe and it might bother them cos i am good friend. dont know what upsets me more, that he could be such a shit and do this or that i lap it up.

4th February 2006

Cigs: sigh why bother?
Drinks: 2
Binges: 0

forgot to tell adorable story of tiny scrap of puppy that decided to saunter out into the middle of commuter traffic. cut to 4 motobikes weaving about it and all the normally asshole-ic two-wheelers coming to a stop. a man balances himself on one leg, leans over and picks upo the puppy, who fits entirely in his hand and gently tosses it onto the verge. so cute.

dear friend down from delhi. mad evening in fav watering hole laughing at all the hilarious men who think they are so cool. completely mindfucked one chap but calling his name randomly and leaving him desperately scanning dark crowded disco-pub to find WHICH girl was calling him.

delectable Man from Ivory Coast (MIC??) also joined us, but thats cos he had attemtped to ask friend on date and she densely assumed he meant all fo us go out in a gang. ohhh so hot. sigh. not that it matters anymore anyway, since i havent the whisper of a shot with her in the picture, why do i have the hot enchanting friends?

oh so sleepy. friend from delhi is fast asleep - after ambitious plans to sightsee madly all day. ha ha ha. we staggered to the pub, et lunch and staggered back. lay in bed laughed at little pink pig doll and looked at photos before falling off to sleep. i was delightfully woken up by fonecall from somneone who most unexpectedly has become pillar of security in frantic life. it was so lovely to wake up and have a nice cosy conversation. *smiles*

annnnd now im off to do various exciting things likelearn my lines and study french.
highlights of evening - a little herbal refreshment :D

2nd February 2006

Cigs: dunno
Drinks: 2 [each with about half a drop of booze in em hmph]
Binges: 0

well ive lost 3 kg! in the past month! so with the pain-inducing aerobics i should do pretty well. i have to say i didnt KNOW i had muscles in those bits of my back and i didnt know i was so heavy to move about. ow. groan. off now to do waht ive been longing to do all day - collapse in an ungainly heap on my bed.

ps...im going to play judith in hay fever! yay! 64 million dollar q - can i pull of major part and direction? time will tell - watch this space.

Andie

This is Andie
She will be 12 on the 15th of August. However, it looks like she wont see the 15th of February. She was a scruffy little pup with a wonky ear and a wispy tail when she showed up on 28th October 1994. She used to gallop across the lawn. We used to stick a bar across her path and she'd sail over it. In the morning she's dash about frantically, making figures of eight across the garden. She used to eat the grass. I once wrote a letter to Herself in which I said: Andie's having a species identity crisis, she can't decide if she's a dog, a racehorse or a cow.
Before Andie showed up I was terrified of dogs. Some relatives of ours had a thirteen year-old Daschund who could barely walk. I never went into their house unless she was shut up in a room. But Andie changed all that. Andie made it possible for me to roll around on the floor with an Irish Setter, befriend Lisa and Jimmy and countless other campus dogs.
We often felt we shoudl ge another dog. We tried. First there was jumble. Jumble was mad. she tried to eat a rock at age 4 months and choked on it. Then there was Sir Archibald Nai. He got run over at age 4 months. We kind of gave up after that.
But Andie had always been aorund. We had a cat, and every day when Andie went for her walk, PP wld appear and walk underneath her, with her tail tickling Andie's tummy.
When I've fought wiht the world and needed a hug Andie gave it to me.
She's outlived both my grandfathers.
The past few years she's been old and cranky. I don't make her fetch things anymore, and I barely ever pet her because she's prickly about it. I talk to her, and she's the reason I discovered that all dogs speak Spanish. The things we do together have changed. Mostly she whines at me when I'm watching TV. Sometimes when Themselves are out I let her in for company. and she sits at my feet most worshipfully. SHe used to gallop out of the house if I yelled, but the years I've been away they've spoiled her.
Right now, she can't see. She cant walk. Last night I didnt sleep a wink because she was moaning outside my window and I couldn't do a thing to make it better. I've never felt more pointless in my life.
And even though 11 and a half years is only half my age, its practically all of the life I remember. And I cannot envisage a life without her in the background.

1st february 2006

cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

first aerobics class. i say i love it! endorphins DO exist! who wld have thought. dare i hope this time i really mean to ose weight instead of saying it?
hmmmmm

must do a million things today but i never do them! play has been changed to hay fever. might have to act, not altogether bad but havent ever direced AND acted so dunno, its hard to notice timing when on stage and not able to see it form outside the box. ah well.

gals night tonight. and straight to aerobics tomorrow...hmmmm mustnt drink too muhc. lol. dehydrated sint a good way to go to class. char has expressed interest in class too, hehehe about 15 min fter i thought to myself chat wld prolly love to do this too ooooooo we shld try and go together. lol. lessee.

john mayer's new album is mindblowing.

um

right then