23rd oct

another monday evening rolls around and as ever supposed to be working and spend all my time whinging about it. today is particularly bad though. mindfucked by weekend. totally. spent all day in lib, shivering cos underestimated weather, trying to decode habermas and intellectuals wirting about him while trying to keep head away from bad thoughts. and sex. apparently all that is available to me now. sleep. toss and turn and have bizarre dreams involving people and situations hats are frankly scary. alternate with wet dreams. wake up horny and freaked out. dont rem the last night i slept through, even those marinated in large quantities of varieties of alcohol. wake up with knots. somtimes i cnt lift my arms cos the shoulders ache so. arthritic hag speaking. while wrestling with one of those sentences dearly beloved to all intellectuls, that begins on page 212 and ends on page 345 its very hard to not stray from the articulation of the public sphere and wonder why the braincell is so traumatised. caught self with tears in eyes almost all through class. while laughing at jokes and adorable prof hidalgo. the shcism is what scares me right now. its like living two distinct and parallel lives, with fulfillment in one and so much uncertainty in the other that i cant handle it. on the one hand gladly sociable. on the other truly crablike behaviour, this need to dive into my hole and pull it shut after me. strange feeling od regression to pr therapy days. scary. no Herself here to cling to either. funnily i dont have time for this. i dont have time to drown in the feelings to acknowledge them and let them take over so tht i can wash up safe. the time to say yeah ok i tried. again. it didnt work. again. it mightnt work. again. but ill try. again. ive lost the courage again, the courage to accept all the bogeymen and things that go bump in the night. and we all know thats the only way you can fall back to sleep by saying yeah ok theres a monster under the bed, it will omce out and eat me if it wants i cant stop it, and only then can you let go of the fear and fall aleep and wake up in daylight and family. why is it impossible to let an event be an event in its isolation and experience it as such? patterns dont exist, right? just cos things happen again and again doesnt mean they will keep doing so right? on the other hand a pattern is familiar, there is no unheimlich to deal with. there is the eternal security of knowing exactly how this will play out. and the freedom of knowing that the pattern will assert itself and so i can act on impulse and completely at random. i can do the things that being me dictates, i can say let me know if you need nything in the complete cocoon of safety of knowing that it will till turn out that way. right? the balance, the fine balance i teeter on. and the more baggage i pick up the les si need to tip me over. ah cliches. gotta love em. right off i go to the joyous world of sexual emotional psychical and physical stress - dreamland