Contradictions

benediction, malediction, contradiction, such lovely words, once i figured out how they come apart.

everybody hurts plays on worldspace. funny how many songs supposed to give succour actually make people sad. don't cry being another one.

so what is it exactly about all this. heights of inarticulacy. She is having crazy neurotic trouble with the boy, Themselves are losing it from the stress of counselling both of them. i am losing it. period. Theselves are at the end of tethers and since i am rght here and they can enusre i dont drive off a cliff, have put me on the back burner. when what im crying for is a little front burner thank you.

apart form which, despite the fact that they are often right about many things, and are kind, liberal, wonderful parents who give me everything i want, they seem bent on refusing to listen to me. everything is predecided. every conversation has a pre-plotted course. there's never the possibility that i might actually knwo what im doing. i cant blame them of course, with all the vacillating and flibbertigibbeting i have done in my teensy life, it must be hard indeed to have faith in my abilities, sometimes even i cant manage it.

but i cant quite forgive them for not listening and not paying attention. for not noticing cut arm and treating depression as "oh you're just so self-absorbed, you can't be bothered to do anything but watch tv". i cant quite forgive them for taking sides against me with She. i cant forgive them for putting me on the back burner when i come to them in tears asking for comfort, when they know exactly how fragile my mental state is. for seeking ways to prove my sadness is my own fault rather than ways to soothe me. for telling me they will always comfort me and then not trying.

oh dear this was meant to be about janis joplin's big song and how it's my song because i need to jsut come to terms with me being me and say to the world:

"Oh ho, honey, didn’t I give you nearly everything that I ever had to give ? Oh, you know I did!But each time I tell myself that i, I think I’ve had enough, Well, I’m gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,Take another little piece of my heart now, baby! Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a, have another little piece of my heart now, daddy daddy daddy,You know you got it if it makes you feel good."

leave that for another time.

28th January 2006

Cigs: 0
Drinks:0
Binges: divine b'fast that darling cooked brought from her house cos she cldnt grind for dosai yest.

ah what fabulous weather. tis cold. and dry. 25% humidity. which means bits of me keep cracking and im covered in fine network of paper-cut-like cuts and i soend most of my time slathering loiton or baby oil all over me. BUT my hair is fabulous and the wind is beautiful, the days ar ebright and sunny and nippy. the stars shine bright. good hevaens im getting poetic. yes i quit. they are being nice enough to waive notice and poay ,me for the past 2 weeks so not entirely a lkoss. course now must go to goa. hopefully wit hsp in romantic interlude. hahahahahahaha sometimes i stun myself.

been reading up a storm, so now am not scared the books will devour me in my sleep anymore. am tempted to write story now....hmmm...maybe. have decided to keep log of all books read. from january first 2006:

1. city of marvels - eduardo mendoza
2. hogfather - terry pratchett
3. the hungry tide - amitav ghosh
4. the simoqin prophecies - samit basu
5. the manticore's secret - samit basu
6. mort - terry pratchett
7. reaper man - terry pratchett
8. shantaram - david gregory robets
9. anil's ghost - michael ondaatje
10. butter chicken in ludhiana - pankaj mishra
11. hocus pocus - kurt vonnegut
12. notes from a big country - bill bryson
13. chasing the monk's shadow - mishi saran
14. artemis fowl - eoin colfer

dammit, about 3 a week? shameful. esp since five in past week. tut tut tut.

reccomendations anyone?

24th January 2006

continuing last night, so keep the stats.

ultimate aims: travel, maybe some day set up language scool or firm of interpreters/tanslators

right, option 1: stay with Horrid Lying Bastards [HLBs] til time come to leave to go to exocit places and study.
Pros:
1. will get paid to sit around and do pretty much nothing.
2. will get HLBs very powerful name in resume.
3. if they turn out to be capable of not lying, will get training role in a few months.
4. will actually be around people other than my parents, many of which are my age and thus might actually have some fun.
5. will have time for exercise
6. will have time to semi-direct play
7. will have time to read on bus to work

Cons:
1. will be suicidal with mind-numbingly mechanical job.
2. HLBs powerful name means very little unless want to stay corporate, which don't. especially since job profile is so menial that it might even be adverse in effect, unless want to to continue in similar profile hahahahahaha.
3. if dont plan to stick around for even 6 months then why wait for training role that will then prolly be a month long?
4. other people doing this job, bless their little souls, are stupid. nice and sweet and pretty, but stupid. as good as not having people to hang out with.
5. will not have time to learn languages, which is after all main ultimate goal.
6. will not have time to properly direct play.
7. will end up actually with a 12 hours shift including commute.
8. will not be using spanish for atleast a month more, maybe ever, since am not sure if am in spanish team or not.
9. with timings will have no social life.

Options 2: Quit job with HLBs
Pros:
1. will have time for exercise.
2. will be able to apply for, at least, spanish teaching job in local language school, if not get it. this translates to valuable experience. plus i LOVE teaching spanish.
3. will be able to continue with german and mybe start french again.
4. will be able to direct play fulltime
5. will have time to readreadreadreadread.
6. will have time to travel.
7. will be able to explore opportunities to teach in south america and go go go go!
8. theoretically can devote more time to fotografy or maybe go take a course or summat.
9. can go to dallas to visit cousin and lose weight.

Cons:
1. will have screwed up AGAIN. tho really, have alry screwed up whether i keep job or not.
2. wont have that pay coming in. but dont need the pay.
3. will have not muhc external company. tho actually with classes and play will see enough of other people.

hmmm...we might have a decision, no?

23rd January 2006

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: ice-cream in large amounts, and then pasta

foist, a happy 28th anniv to Hisself n Herself. They havent had a fantabulous anniversary eve. but we did have dinner out and the food was good.

well the verdict is in, no barcelona for me unless sign bloody bond which simply cannot do. wavering wildly between resigned acceptance of suicide-inducing job that pays and doesnt actually demand anything fo self and feeling sick of marking time and wanting to go out and explore and do stuff.

pasta demanding all blood, braincell starved for oxygen, will write elaborate-detailing-pros-and-cons post tomorrow.

manticore's secret innerestin...HUGELY derviative of pratchett. hmmm.

22nd January 2006

cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0
Teefs removed: 1

wow. it hurt quite a bit when he injected the local anaesthetic, and then its really wierd how half my mouth is swollen and getting in the way of my tongue, but he was poking around with some instrument, i cldnt see wot he was doing, and then he said close your mouth, i did and he stuck cotton in and it was over. it took precisely 2.5 minutes. She called early morn to temme not to worry, she was a freak case and id have no trouble at all. apparently She's right. huh. course im still on local and slowly swallowing bits of blood. heh heh heh. the tooth itself looks quite cool, like a plastic model of a drawing. aight am off to read simoqin.

20th January 2006

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 0 - yet
Binges: pizza

ooo thot of 7 things to say at once and now cant rem even one. sheh. have been besieged by calf cramps lately, mum scarily tells me i shld go to doc cos im classic DVT case. disgusted by lack of fitness, but cant get off chair and go exercise. eating and tlaking both restriced thanks to painful mouth, bloody dentist right...hmph. its 32 degress. in january. wot the fuck???? was supposed to be at revoltingly boring new hire orientation session and have quietly bunked. i hope i dont get in too muhc trouble. decided to find a job teaching in south america and then just go. enough "acceptable" job/academic course hunting. miss the salsa. tempted to walk in on monday and say look mrAVP, even if you do send me to spain ima quit within a month fo coming back cos ill shoot myself if i have to do this work. you arent using a single one of my abilities and are focussed on exploiuting my weakness - boredom. monotony not good. for you or me, so lets just all shake hands and not do this eh?

and ladies night.... adrinkin we will go...

slowly and painfully closing down other blog. when its more stress than fun then its not worth it innit?

19th January 2006

horrid dentist man wants to pull my wisdom toof!
eeep!
who's gonna hold my hand???

18th January 2006

cant be bothered. 9 hrs 45 min between lunch and dinner. 13.5 day. unrostered selfish illmannered BITCH! useless goutils who cant bother to be civil. empty bed.
*sniffle*

17th January 2006

Cigs: 1
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

damn work where i have restarted postprandial-cigarette habit. work. ah work wiht my 3 hour commute. which mean si really have a 12 hr shift. my idiotic team members who will not do me the courtesy of acknowledging that i have spoken to them, because oh god knows what, my adorable trainer and sweet manager, and deinfitely creepy 2 People Who Talk to Me. bizarre lunches and random food craving, endless cups of horrendous lemon iced tea and insane frustration at having nothign to do. sitting in on classes i should be teaching. trying to get SOMEONE to tell me WHAT exactly my position IS in the damn setup, since noone knows. have sinking feeling will end up going on on-job-training with no clue abt wots wot. however, after todays scintillating session with i-spell-words-out-loud-to-read-them "buddy" in how the *Process* works, am reassured.

have discovered am paid less than the idiots who are less qualified, less intelligent AND incapable of a coherent sentenc ein english, let alone spanish. more furstrston.

good thing of the day: can get job apying $12 an hour per student teaching englihs in chile. WATCH OUT SOUTH AMERICA! HERE I COMES!

there is the fact that one wld think, we all like spanish right, we cld find something in commoon, why the trest of team cept Slimy Bong will not tlak to me! it amazes me! why do these people go to the toruble of leanring a languagse?? yes yes it pays them more, looks good on CV. but makes me want to cry when i see the way they butcher it, and they dont even care. i am bereft of words to describe the feelings they around in me. well ok i got 2. violent. homicidal. and it doesnt helpo that they ignore me when i tlak to them.

sigh. really, noone sez hey this be new chick or anything, peopel just dart furtive glances at you. ITS A TEAM PEOPLE!!!!!!! amazing. astounding. the security guards are chattie than the rest of the people on the floor.

see lee, this is why the silence.

15th January 2006

Cigs: 10
Drinks: bout a third of whiskey, some wine and some vodka
Binges: cake

well had party. was fun. was high. lecched plenty. people came. they had fun - neither of which happens a lot *sob sob*. sorry i seem to have the blues. mood indigo. yadda yadda. two days into it and i loathe my job. i think im meant to be a trophy wife - the fattest wife in the world. sigh. negativity is all i got today. time to leave.

13th January 2006

Cigs: 0
Drinks: a wee one wit dad!!!!
Binges: 0

after 12 near hallucinatory hours in the labyrinth that is their office the bloody company finally hired me. only the thought of barcelona kept me from walking out on four occasions. human resources people need to be treated the way they treat us the least important level of people in the organisation., really they do. cept A. i think i have a crush on him - dude who recruited me. yup. definitely do.

start work on friday the thirteenth, most auspicious!

barcelona!!!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

11th January 2006

Cigs: 2
Drinks: 1
Binges: 0

right so apparently not working makes this blog suffer. sorry. well i got me job yipppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! dont get me wrong its a fairly dumb job, but it pays well and theres scope for movement, fast. plus its in spanish. and oh, did i mention? they're taking me to barcelona for 5 weeks! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! my shift is horrid, 1230pm to 1030pm, but not as horrid as the south america one thats 7pm to 5am. still destryos socail life htough. esp in a place where everything closes at 1130pm.

anyway
yay!
maybe ill makle enough money to go to the caribbean next year!

i apologise if this isnt upto usual standard of inchoerence, but i have many aches and i haven't finished my tea yet so im a lil slow.

Special Announcement

this isnt a report, its a special post. i know most of you dont know about my other life as a blogger who doesnt babble, but i do have one. and in the world there are a few people who deserve some recgonition and so i have taken the liberty of nominating them for bloggies. if you have the time and inclination, pop over and give em a read and if you agree with me, please vote for em.

ello denizens of jhangaland.
i have a proposition. there be summat called the bloggies where one nominates and votes for the best blogs. i have taken the liberty of nominating his holy chaddiness RoJoMoJo for best Asian blog and Funniest blog, and Addytorials for best writing.

7th January 2006

Cigd: um...many
Drinks: 8 FINALLY!
Binges: 0

happy parvasiya bharatiya divas.
Himself's brother is here for it. ah the mad family.

well out wit gals after soooooooooooo long muhc funness was had. slept over at U's and woke up in morning to take A1 german exam! really wish they'd be a lil more considerate of epole who finish fast and finish the gorupe stuff first so we wldnt hafta spend 1 ho9ur waiting around starving, crampy and dehydrated from the previous night's partying. was nice and plastered. so muhc so that actually enjoyed execrable muzak that DJ Murthy played. *shock*

migraines seem to be returning! spearing pain almost every day thru one or other temple. praps cops dont drink water anymore. hmmmm. note to self..drink water!

shantaram begins to drag. man tends to wax a leeetle to eloquent sometimes. liberal skipping is necessary to finish it. in the interests of that goal shall sign off to go and drape self opver divan in verandah and read. have a good 'un!

1st January 2006

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 0
Binges: 1 - brunch

well here's another cutpaste :D sowwie, i promise to stop now. for a while atleast.

ello woild

ah Goa....the sun...the sand...the booze...the hanging out on the beach all night with my best boys...the bewitching jan 1st beach sunrise...the long busride bonding conversation...

that didn't happen.

however, hyd, the night, the verandah, the applejuice and chips, staying in with the rents, playing bridge after years, sleeping 8 hours, taking a long morning walk on tankbund and watching a bewitching city sunrise with my mommy and daddy, the family bonding, the jan 1st morning lazy brunch with my dear dear friends...

that did happen.*

i like quiet, cellphone-switched-off new years.

this year
i resolve to be a girl and let boys do things for me, land that dream job tomorrow, paint the walls of some room somewhere and learn to set curds and make rasam.

scoo, missed you playing bridge

thata missed you playing bridge, walking tankbund and eating in taj mahal hotel at 7am.

arjun, missed hanging out with you like last year.

i think the theme song is going to be: Paheli from Boondein by Silk Route, the lyrics of which i have sepnt half an hour trying to get but cldn't so pfft.

*Job i really want, interview in hyd on 2nd, thusly goa did not happen.

and oh, yeah, before i forget, i met rahul dravid. and he's even hotter in real life. *swoon*