30th December 2005

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 2
Binges: 0

first lemme warn ye all that im doin a copy-paste post after that babble, cos its my end of the year post. that said, was at dear friend's wedding last night, didnt knwo a soul, was kindly adopted by old firend of dear friend, but was sadly bored nd v sleepy from not having slept on train prev night from forgttgin to take socks and thusly having cold feet. :D that wedding was strange. it seemed to have a lot of hindu customs moulded into the mallu christian ceremony, with the pastor taking of the "indian" way of thought of diving life into 4 bits and what not when he was actually expounding vedanta, which is not indian but distinctly hindu! huh. strange. then he tlaked at lenght about an owl, a donkey and a dog. and there was muhc sitting and standing and whatnot. the strangest thing bout the wedding was how EVERYONE saving yrs truly and one other person, EVERY SINGLE PERSON i met there was married. gorgeous, stunning, hot as hell, successful, looking 23 and married. it was suddenly on planet of what are YOU doign wiht YOUR life then eh?

but twas lovely. am so glad i was able to be there at such an important moment in the life of someone important to me. now we ca proceed

Yes I know, its early. What can I say, after today I hope to have neither the time nor the inclination to blog! Well my best beloveds, welcome to the end-of-the-year post. Thanks for sticking it out. And no thats not propwhoredom, I really mean it.

I cant say it turned out as expected.
"if beginnings are anything to go by then this year shld be VERY diff from last. Cos it began in laughter and companionship and love, not tears and heartbreak"

Well I've had my share of tears, and plenty of heartbreak. Only I think it matters less now. I've had the (in)famous crisis of faith. '’ve done some things I can now cross off my list ;) I've held a job. Quit again. Realised more and more how much I have to be grateful for the women in my world. The men...some I adore, most give me a colossal amount of stress. Some are worth it, most aren't. My family: my sister said, when I called her on Christmas "thanks for calling me sweetie, it was so nice of you" or words to that effect. Especially after New York this year, I'm definitely grateful for that. The rents...I don't know. Found the roots of some of my issues. Found closure, need closure. So what are the bullets then?

I'm thankful for

* Sting concert!
* Europe and Umreeka
* Charmaine and Usha
* Misha and Preema and Priya
* Sachin
* Viveka and Osho and Aleya
* Bbay trip
* [If I get it] the job
* Arjun
* blogger.com
* White wine and Rioja
* The sec’bad club and the sailing annexe
* Fmb
* Adit
* Anand
* Spanish
* German class
* Roxy!
* Winter
* PCOS and the wake up call it gave me.
* Gayathri

Well my lovelies, though there's much more and I'd love to stay and babble, I have to pack and I'm leaving in an hour!

Have a happy one, all of you.

And anyone in Goa...ima be there toooooooo!!!!

25th December 2005

Cigs: 6
Drinks: 4
Binges: shhhh they don't count

well mewwy cwistmus all :) my 51st post. i feel all emotional. yeah right. fabulous day was had, friend over, much watching of silly movies [coyote ugly, hot chick] was done, interspersed wiht muhc cooking and shrieking and eating. and dirnking of chilean white wine which was ohmygod so good. i made cinnamon rolls! yay! today's attempt is oatmeal raisin cookies. wish me luck. Dear Friend came by from mumbai, and we hung out in one of my fav plkaces in thios city, the sailing club. much bonding hapopened. porceeded to do dirnking wit him and his friends, AND there was no traffic! ladies and gents i give you the modern moses. thank you DF for showing up at the right time in the right way and giving me the lil bit of happiness i needed right now.

that said here's a symptom of the cheating i do on my other blog all the time; i leave you with a song for christmas.

She was his girl, he was her boyfriend
Soon to be his wife, make him her husband
A surprise on the way, any day, any day
One healthy little giggling, dribbling baby boy
The Wise Men came, three made their way
To shower him with love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love, love, love
Love love, love
Love, love was all around

Not very much of his childhood was known
Kept his mother Mary worried
Always out on his own
He met another Mary who for a reasonable fee
Less than reputable was known to be
His heart was full of love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around

When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree
Said "Oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be.
I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene.
Instead I fear I’ve spilled the blood of our children all around."
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children’s all around

So I’m told, so the story goes
The people he knew were
Less than golden-hearted
Gamblers and robbers
Drinkers and jokers
All soul searchers
Like you and me
Like you and me

Rumors insisted he soon would be
For his deviations taken into custody
By the authorities, less informed than he.
Drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers
Searching for love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said, "Eat this bread, think of it as me.
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around,
The blood of our children all around.”
The blood of our children’s all around

Father up above,
Why in all this anger do you fill me up with love, love, love?
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around
Father up above,
Why in all this hatred do you fill me up with love?
Fill me love, love, yeah
Love, love, love
Love, love, and the blood of our children all around

ps.s.....lookit wot I did on christmas morning!

22nd December 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0 [being remedied as i type]
Binges: chips chips chips

well Hisself and Herself are off to Chennai. Thank God. Some peace. their last trip out they forgot the gate-key and Hisself had to perform acrobatic feast of jumping gate, which has induced such paranoia as to leave me back at square 1 as far as being in the house while it runs itself goes. After ALL the hard work i put in. sigh.

Herself performed fantastic feat. Seasoned traveller that she is, esp by train, she carried a bottle of water for the overnight journey. fair enuf. personally i'd just buy it on the train, but hey, to each their own. However. 1. she didnt check to see if it leaked. 2. she used a mismatched cap, a very obviously mismatched cap. and 3. she put it lying down in the boot. result: HIsself's suticase soaked. Hisself cranky cos found cockroach in milk, AND had to drive on off-beaten-track roads, since being man of family cldnt let me do it. ah that mudt be one fun compartment right about now.

one thing ive noticed of late, they seem to be so contrary! they HAVE to disagree. if Herself sez summat, Hisself HAS to put it down and say nonsense. and vice versa. makes conversation very jarring.

20th December 2005

Cigs: 1/2
Drinks: 0
Binges: crepes for dinner

hsp's birthday.

having slight crisis of life. again. this is becoming an annoying habit! wish i not apply for PhDs now that Himself and Herself have both expressed non-nagging and quiet support even if not all out approval of life choices. and i say im independent of them! feels like GRE score set of mad pressure to apply, but dont really WANT PhD, never HAVE! only now must tlak to reccomenders about PhDs and how its only an MA. maybe shld just jobhunt for long periods of time and move to delhi. or mumbai. or pune.

argh.

will someone just MAKE this decision for me? because i try and make them for the right reasons but they always end up such colossal FUCKUPS, and leave me an emotional mental mess noone can ever have the patience to clean up. i cant live like these past 2 years, i cant spend my life keeping myself exhausted and busy and forcibly enjoying my life just so that i can ignore myself secretly contemplating attacking my arms with a blade.

can i have the fast forward button please sir?

18th December 2005

cigs: 0 since dilli
Drinks: 0 since dilli
Binges: 0 since dilli

sigh...does anyone see a pattern?

ow...aching from first day of new exercise regime. froze last night, hadta put shawls on bed to get warm. note to self, close windows. discovered am leaving town on thursday, which leaves me exactly four days to finish most of my applications. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

um... not workiung means blog dies. sadness. fotos are up if anyone is interested, imaginatively linked in the sidebar as "pictures".

13th December 2005

Cigs: countless
Drinks: 3
Binges: 1

well here i is in single digit delhi. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. kicking self for sending all heavy duty warm clothes back to hyd with the parents. nice tho. bummed in coll amost of the day, such a luffly day. have new shoes wheeeee. stupid bitch cousin deleted fotos of my mehendi, so much for THAT.

wedding was crazy. noone - bride, her father/mother sister - know what was going on. stupid 26 year old sister was so self obsessed all she cld think about was how shelooked and how she wasnt getting full attentin, she didnt do a speck of work, not even oput her sister's contacts in her going away bag! jesus! Herself and me did all work...mad separated parents of bride bleating about this must be done that must be done without either focussing or doing anything, stupis sister of bride fightng with both parents and sneaking off to smoke with sick slimeball other cousin.

yes i love my family

but really. sometims i wonder how people can be THIS self obsessed. you comr all the way from new york to be at your "beloved" sister's wedding and then sulk and pout unless you get all the attention? what is that? demandin the car to hav your hair set THRICE! bitching and whining about clothes you wear, playin your parents off each other, not being the SLIGHTEST help at all. im so angry with her, it was repusive behaviour, espeically in someone who prides themselves on the ove they have for their sister and their maturity.

anyway
bitching done

stupid idiots at univ got my name wrong on degree!!!! GAH! means much mad running around. flamenco concert here but too lazy to go alone so lay on couch and read pratchett. ache from workout was encouraged to do. prolly going to see annual production of college dramatic society, shld be extremely bittersweet. as friend kria kept saying all day: ahhh college

9th decembr 2005

Cigs: 5
Drinks: 1
Binges: 0

righ so here i is in chilly dilli*. ah how i love this city. i can feel it calling it out to me and im mentally kicking myself for ever leaving. but i know there's heartbreak here too. oooo such drama. he cousins's edding preparations are in full swing. had tor un out and buy her shoes yesterday. keping the separated parents separated is hard. the rest of the family is actually havin fun. good. tonight is sangeet-mehendi**. yay! hvent had mehendi on in AGES.

giving aunts heart failure in purple hooded fluffly sweater and rainbow striped socks. *wicked grin* had haircut! yay! stupid prick cousin is being stupid prick, as usual. *rolls eyes* he's so sickening i cant go near him without getting the heebiejeebies. its scary to think have common genes. erm....thassal for now. damn i thought i had innerestin things to say!

*Delhi as it is named in Hindi.
** pre-wedding ceremony especially in north india# where men get drunk, women sing and giggle, henna is applied to the bride's hands and those of any other women who might want it; most important part of the ceremony for the checking out of the other "maidens" as prospective wives for the sons of the matrons.
# actually only in norh india, but with the amount of impotance given to it in films the trend is now to have em all over the country. its verystrange to have a sanget in a south indian wedding!

7th December 2005

Cigs: 2
Drinks: 0
Binges: um....

well, off i go to delhi tonight. much madness. terrified about applicatoins. somebody find me a purpose! *wails*

that said its nice and sunny, im going to cold city, there will be alcohol there will be semi-legal subtances, though not at cousins's wedding.

i have cramps. my LEGS are cramping. there has GOT to be someone i can see about this, i REFUSE to put up with this muhc injustice! are you listening up there you stupid git?

must pack. dont want to. must run errands and prepare to be hauled off to see old friend at any point of time. shld ideally finsih all work before leave house. which aint gonna happen. i think ive become one of those hyperventilatory people who manages to make everything a big thing and stress when theres no need. eep! i wasnt like that i promise. all will happen, and if it doesnt having an aneurysm won't help.

5th December 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

how boring. however, went to dreadful "jazz" concert, *shudder* electric bass is NOT meant for jazz, people, its called improvisaton, not ooo lets all do summat noisy and pretend we even have the same beat. sheh. uncle brought me bottle of chilean sauvignon blanc!!!! dying of joy!!! now must find occasion to drink it, and enusre greedily, that theres not more than one person to drink with so i gets lots. *evil grin*

struggling with the bloody personal statements, someone tell me why they even care???? have acheieved luffly statement of whay one shld study comparative literature, been told thats all very well but its says jackshite about me and THAT is the point, state the purpose they say. find my purpose i wail. sigh.

shall begin again with random babble about school and wanting to be an animal collector. wish me luck. funnily enough i actually WANT NYU. sheh.

also wrestling with writing samples, must email profs in their depts and be inquisitive about the dept and suchlike, which means i must find out who they are, if anyonje works in wot interests me yadda yadda...temme agian why im doing this?

im good news, off to coldness and delhi sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon...and dear dissertation guide has agreed to give recco, which will be a good one. to think i loathed the man at the beginning.

spent satruday afternoon helping hsp buy presents for extended family, my GOD he's even hotter in short kurtas. on being asked to come into changing room and check fit had to restrain self from making little ripping motions with hands. *sigh* he will be back soon. however, fond him in most horrendous company, fervently hoping he does not take said girl at face value, pretty tho that face might be.

3rd December 2005

Cigs: 2
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

owwww and *achoo*. its not the being sick i mind so much as the sdeezig. and the trees dying for my nose. and having to wake up every 20 min to re-stuff tissue in nose. aand the cramps. well thats not the allergy so much as well being female. but still.

last day at work *little jig of joy* bloody boss was so eman yest, finished early and asked fi cld leave 10 min early, got a beatific smile and a no, but you cna leave 20 min early. and then, as about to leave, she sits me down and starts going nuts about work SHE shld have been doing all day yest. *rolls eyes* why do i bother? im freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

considering using sickness as excuse to khisko* early and take hsp shopping. yes. i think so. *achoo* stupid boss wants me to come in on monday. have stupidly offered four a couple of hours. HAH. shall do precisely that only.

[for dave] *sidle off

2nd December 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: ooo many. i like food again.

yay! tomorrow i leave!! second last day at work. however, pharyngitis has resulted from wednesday's stupid autoride with the driver who spat phlegm in his hand, and its cold nd overcast whcih means the test in chennai will be rained out and so Himself will be cranky. sigh.

in good news, i like food again. this is not however, good news. it means that the nauses inducing medicaton is not the one that will end in 5 weeks, but, rather, the estradiol combo that will stay for a YEAR. ARGH. Herself deligthedly amused by monthly pseudo-pregnancy. gah. dont even get any sex for all the stress.

Herself prduced classic moment of hilarity other day when earnestly told me how muhc likes Fag and how wld be nice id i got together with him. upon revelation that he is er... GAY, was sad and disappointed, as if now have no hope left.

1st December 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 6 pieces of toblerone.

its December alrady! whered the year go? ah how different it all turned out. ok ok will do this later at real ed of year, a lot can happen in a month, hsp can profess undying live for me :D german classmate [or rather person from german class] saw us at the concert and sidled over to to say: 'can i be nosy? is he your boyfriend?' to which i said: 'i wish'. i do too. *scuffing patterns in dust with toe* strange. exotic value? conry 'i feel a connection'? but then know those connections arent real, especially since thats been brought home quite strongly in recent past.

have had life-affirming day, despite self even. suddenly people rush to my side, serendiputously even. [think that might be fav word of week]. makes me smile that for once, when there is a gap in my life, someone wants to fill it. nice.

took decison about applications last night, am applying to: yale, *gulp* harvard [i know i know im nuts, but what can i say, they dont want a writing sample in spanish and their deadline is 2nd january], NYU, SUNY stonybrook, cornell and jhu. the west coast wants everything in first week dec, impossible.

and now, to work.