30th November 2005

Cigs: 1
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

well well, ive done three months now. who'da thought. went to dinner and concert wit hsp yest, rahul sharma doing mindblowing things with the santoor, and sanjeev abhayankar starting to sing right only as we left. poor hsp made to sit on floor *wicked giggle*. was fascinated by santoor as apparently sounds just like the gutiar they use for the flmaenco. huh.

dinner was ennertainin as ever, was told he prolly know Her better than me cos i tlak about Her all the time. lol. cannot describe releief it was to be around male who does not play games. food was scrumptious, and was even able to eat, despite roiling sotmach. sigh. din go to gemran, eep. shall flunk cos will miss week in dec and nother week in jan.

auto to work was horrid, took bad route, stink of smoke, no springs, loud, smelly, jolty, ugh. note to self, dont take Herself's routes.

holding self together. proud of self. was given sanest advice so far yesterday, glad to say was adivce that had given self anyway.

29th November 2005

No digo que eres malo. no digo que me has hecho daño porque querías hacermelo. no digo que no tienes el derecho a tener menos ganas que yo. entonces no me digas que no tengo el derecho a ser herida. no niego que cosas cambian y personas cambian, y tú también puedes cambiar, sin duda cambias. pero no me pidas que sea contenta.

te digo gracias para muchas cosas, para los días de sonreir, para mi 'iniciación', para llamarme como me has llamado, para hacerme sentir especial, para tocarme, para la música, para sostenerme. pero no puedo agradecerte para ponerte 'diferente' aunque en realidad eres iqual que lo demas. no tenías el derecho a hacer me creerte cuando sabías que sería yo arrepentida.

puedes decir que es tanto lo que hago, pero no digas que no te contara todo, no digas que no te advirtiera. puedo fingir que puedo seguir así, pero no vale la pena. las dos maneras está llorando yo, está herida yo.

no estoy segura de lo que siento. por un lado sé que es muy normal lo que has sido, que ibas a ser exactamente así. por otro lloro y me siento estupida porque también sé que esperaba a alguien que me hiciera creer como has hecho tú. sé que quiero tanto, pero sé que no es menos que los que doy. sé que no es fácil ser mi amigo, pero sé que vale la pena. antes me decías que lo sabías.

al final estoy confundida. me siento traicionada, pero también no sé si es culpa mía. no te pedí que me hables siempre con honradez, que me prometas que siempre me digas todo sin vacilar. era tú que me dijiste que nunca me esconderías nada. y al final, no lo has hecho. y ahora no sé si puedo enfiarme in qualquier cosa que me has dicho o hecho. y tú, tú no me ayudas.

26th November 2005

Cigs: 7? 8?
Drinks: 2
Binges: -1

its most convenient how i cheat with the titles, innit? lol. that said, oh what a fabulous fabulous fabulous evening. probably all because of excitement at weekend that approaches. to start with the fag whose hag i am is down to visit. and Beloved cousin. was emailed thrice by my darker stormier knight, AND hsp texted to say he was heading out wit some friends, could he hope to see me at the pub? such glee. all contributed to high of excitement not the slightest dented by bleeding nail and broekn nail, and we toddled off to ladies night. hookah! we had a hookah. and music not being as abysmal as normal, combined with aforementioned excitement got yrs truly to boogie. :D whereupon hsp, when he showed up, proceed to sneak up behind and get attention in what has GOT to be, in ANY culture, suggestive contact. long drive home with stops to let people out of the car and let german visitor throw up finally ended at 1am. cant rem last time was out that late or had as muhc fun. contributory factor prolly being SECOND LAST WEEK AT WORK! whoopeee!

people-watching resulted in tips for indian boys. which they need. and now, off to woik.

25th November 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0 [its friday, i wont be liking food till monday]

dear heavens. this morning popped over to wot was up on dave's blog, only to find dear friend medusa seems to be trawling the blogosphere again, and posting. therefore popped over there to find self being sucked into vortex of pisspot! blogs seems to be epidemic there, in beginning had fun trying to figure out who people were, but soon head began to spin in the maze of "signifiers" and "significances". was recued by timely convo wit char. dear heavens. have spent most of day not working and giving into to gravitatonal pull of the warped mirror reality. will prolly land a lot of flames for this. c'est la vie i s'pose.

not muhc else up, weekend looks planned yay, Beloved Cousin and Fag whose Hag I am coming to visit, so hilarity and ennertainment shld ensue.

18th November 2005

...

17th November 2005

Cigs: 1
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

hmmmm... bunkes german again today, it is hard oemtimes. theoretically its cos i hate having to wake up blah blah and ocme here. talked to Herself bout quittin, and turning reelance, she dindt seem v shocked. hehehe. ooo sleepy. must apply for leae foe kush's wedding, must get blouses ready eep eep eep eep! must call tailor and beg her to do a fast job for me on one, and manage the rest somehow.

took another diagnostic today, 760 verbal [tut tut tut] but 750 quant [yay!] wonder how to practice anlytical. huh.

right. work.

16th November 2005

Cigs: 1
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

Dinner at club wit hspb. *smirk* rather pathetic attemtps to flirt greeted with equally pathetic responses. :D match made in heaven i tell you!!

day strange - worked out apps and the like, so less stress with them. essplaned plans to Herself, who udnerstood, but getting Himself to understand iwll be exceedingly diffcult. least are set in own head. for now.

much sadness and joy caused by memory and regret evoked by RoJo's post on trip. never will have another shot at college, still depressing thought.

work proceeds apace. actually not, but cld be worse.

language malfunction in progress, spanish evening, german morning and now must spout english grammar.
eep!

15th November 2005

Cigs: 3 drags
Drinks: 0
Binges: pasta - but it was dinner... *sheepish grin* and I made it so it was like healthy!

Forgot to mention cuteness of lil kids all dressed in "civil dress" for Children's day! made me all warm and fuzzy and rem excitement of school and programmes and whatnot and teachers pretending to be students etc. lol. sigh. so long ago. lol...kollupaati.

managed to not chat muhc, yay! also did work. terrible headache ho. got to cook! Char came by and we had niuce mad dinner with Herself since Himself is in Chennai. collapsed into bed and refused to wake up til 7 so bunked German, but twas plan. blot on morning was no decoction since Herself forgot to make it before dashed off to badminton, and DIDN'T temme to either! SO HAD TO DRINK INSTANT!!!!!!! the one day was actually home for breffus and the like. c'est la vie i s'pose.

Alors! travailler!

14th November 2005

Cigs: 3 [over weekend]
Drinks: 1 *shakes head sadly*
Binges: 1

well, not a very good weekend. work mounts and piles and looms and terrifies. comp at home gone to surgery. sigh. GRE. eep! din do too bad on diagnostic. problem is mainly carelessness. sometimes dont get an answer. otherwise alles klar.

spanish scary, no clue wot am doing, need help. german we dont know any verbs! argh!

dragged gai to sparks, fun til trance became headaches. cldnt tear selves away however. huh. little DJ suman back. desperate to hit on her, pathetically pelading that we stay. sigh. when will boys realise we are not THAT stupid!

11th November 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

sigh...tis a boring life i have begun to lead! char was saying yest how my online social life has been destroyed by german classes, possibly true, since never bother to get online at home anymore. not necessarily a bad thing. Herself was asking if she should begin to "look for a boy" for me. not an unusual occureence, except i fear this time she was serious. hmmmm. attempts to explain theory of not mixing marriage and children and thusly marriage not really being important unless hero pops up and convinces me to believe in him [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *wipes eyes* sorry...]

Work hotteth up. saw hilairous film in german class, hallo aus Berlin. my good. better than rap from yest though. tomorrow sat can sleep til 7 oh JOY! prolly will awaken at 530 and sulk about it though.

plans for dinner with gaikutti and hspb dont seem to be crystallsing. ah well, shall now firmly leave any pursuing to him, dont have the energy or the enthusiasm now. gai and me will eat our tortilla de patatas and be happy.

alas my firends i am forced to take my leave for he storyof english doth summon me.

10th November 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: o

made it home by skin of teeth. gah. much work assigned, eep! all going to die! research into medication proves that yes, it does make me depressed, nauseous and migraine-y. why me????

fabulous weather. 9 and a half hrs sleep with quilty!!! *sigh* Herself bestirred to make me breffus, muchly appreciated, since cheespread sandwiched made in my sleep dont appeal for too long. class ossum. learning to count, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. best of all, was given ride to work by sweet little boy, since director goethe zentrum wanted to have a chat wit class and thusly was delayed and cldnt walk. note to self: walk!

9th November 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

date with gynaec and kutti. hahahaha. much fun. yes everything IS wrong with me. yes my tits ARE growing. yes i WILL have manic mood swings and high intolerance. sigh. why?

on the bright side, have lost 2kg since last visit, so yay!

8th November 2005

Cigs: 3
Drinks: 2
Binges: 0 [lil angel thas me]

fit of hormonal madness seems to have passed, let us keep the fingers crossed. silly little boy turned out to be good grown up and essplane effectively. huh.

german classes much fun. Herself kept me up till ELEVEN! delightful impromptu dinner at U's. yumyumyum funfunfun. hspb called to say well maybe not wed ut we'll make pans, hmmmmm...recently found out he appears to like idiot airhead girls giggling all over him and sitting on lap. HMPH.

mad sari buying results fabulous, now must mad petticoart and blouse buy. *sigh*

7th November 2005

Cigs: 0
Drinks: 0
Binges: 0

thank god for here. men. sigh. why do i bother. they all turn out the same. *shakes head sadly* uber sensitive about themselves and uber insensitive to anything else. every time i think one is different, he HAS to prove me wrong. and then on the xanga there is strange person leaving shady comments and gentle hints dont work and blunt and polite essplanasuhn of hints results in wounded drama. which is ok, cos i dont really know him, but then. noone stood up for me! not fair! sigh. who'm i kidding anyway.

that said, first geman lesson today. 7 ppl, one person seems to have gone to same schools as me in same combination, which is pretty rare! shld be interesting, i like being completely FOXED in class hee hee hee. this is a conversation i had in head in class:

Guten Morgen
Buenos días
Ich heiße Ameya. Wie Heißen Sie?
Me llamo Ameya.
Wie geht es Ihnen?
Muy bien, ¿ y usted?
Auch gut, danke.

4th Novermber 2005

well my best beloveds, i is back from a most bizarre trip. bbay was great, muchly touched by arrival of 10 people to see me. pune was strange. saw A again, sigh, it isnt meant to be. hallelujah the time has FINALLY come. woke up at 4 with cramps so bad cldnt breathe, tried to be strong but chickened out. i foresee a lot of combiflam. met many many peoples, so nice. cousin nuts. delayed adolescence...not ready to deal with that unless have some outlets! chicklitt muchly entertaining - confessions of a shopaholic. now deep in neither here nor there. switchfoot, harry belafonte live at carnegie hall, destination anywhere being some of the cool things i got out of my trip. have now been to mocha, subway gazebo, crepe station, hawaiian shack and tot's in badnra. am planning to move there if can get climate control suit. hehehe. winter here, nippy air, icy sheets, luffly.