Number 96 and she's got block

Cigs: 2
Drinks: 0
Binges: erm...cheese sanwiches?

well i cant really detail the past 2 days, after IWG and her fabulous rendtition of it. but i have writer's block. i haven't anything to say, even babbling about my day fails me. so ima cheat and leave a story i wrote last year. some of you migthve read it, well then you may skip :) i apologise to people who dont understand the hindi. there isnt a lot.



I sit in the car. Waiting. Watching. The wipers squeal their way across the windscreen, and their uneven rhythm resonates in my head. *pcheeek pchuk* *pcheeek pchuk* *pcheeek pchuk*…
The shapes of people and vehicles are delicious splashes of colour that provide such an effective foil to the crystal haze of rain.

If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true; because I’ve been in love before, and I know that love is more than just holding hands...

The Beatles. Who couldn’t love them? Well, her for one. But then I suppose life can’t be perfect, or it wouldn’t be any fun, would it? “If I had it all, I’d fuck it up.” The sixty-four million dollar question is, do I have it all?

A figure hurries up to my window and taps on it, urgently. It’s her. She came. I was terrified that after last night, she wouldn’t, that she’d refuse to face me and what happened. I slide back the lock and lean over to let her in. She enters in a rush of sparkling raindrops and carries the smell of rainbows. Well, alright, I’m exaggerating. But she did bring the rain with her, in the rhinestones dangling from the tips of her hair, the diamonds gliding over her skin.

-- Hey.
-- Hey.

We sit in an almost uncomfortable silence.

-- You got a light? She tosses back her hair, curling damply around her face and pulls out one of her beloved menthols. She never carries a light. I’m surprised she actually has cigarettes.

-- Uh…I fumble around but I can’t seem to find one. I reach over and open the glove compartment.

-- I really should have gotten one of those lighter thingies… I could even hook up my Discman then…

-- Yeah, she says, rummaging in her bottomless jhola.

-- Got it!

I let out a whoop of victory when I finally find a tiny box of matches under the passenger seat. I take the cigarette from her and light it, because it’s what I do. She laughs and cups the match for me. We seem to have established some camaraderie.

-- So, where are we going? She pulls on that stick of paper like it’s her lifeline.

-- Nowhere really. I thought maybe we could just sit here and talk. Well, I thought we could sit in the park and talk, but in this rain I think the car really is a better idea.

-- Yeah I see your point. She holds it out to me, even though she knows I quit. And I take it, even though I know I failed her test.

*pcheeek pchuk* *pcheeek pchuk* *pcheeek pchuk*…


-- You know what? Let’s go somewhere. This is silly. I mean we shouldn’t sit here and listen to your bloody broken wipers!
-- Alright. But where?
-- How about where we went yesterday?

Reaching over to the ignition I freeze. I don’t dare look at her. The air goes whooshing out. There are fifteen oceans colliding in the vacuum, and all I can hear is roaring water. Infinitesimally the air returns, bringing with it the bare minimum of courage I need to look at her.

-- What? Come on! So we got a little drunk there, I’m sure they won’t mind having us back!
-- Yeah…yeah… of course…

I start the car, and the music comes on.

Spend all your time waiting, for that second chance, for a break that will make it okay…

I don’t know how to broach the subject. I’m nervous. I am actually nervous, and around her. I reach for the cigarette to give me some Dutch courage, but she throws it out of the window. I have to concentrate, it’s raining, visibility is low, and God knows I’m wound up, so I need to concentrate on driving. Ten o’clock and two o’clock. I grip the wheel like it can save me, and show me how to ask.

-- So… how’re you holding up? After last night I mean. Hungover?
-- Um… no…not really…no….you?-- No no … I barely drank at all …ha ha. I laugh self-deprecatingly. I was driving, remember?
-- Oh yeah…

We trail off into inarticulate silence. The damn question just sits there, choking us both. Which of us will have the strength to ask it?

-- We’re here.

I put the car in neutral, yank up the handbrake and slither out to allow the waiting valet parking attendant to take over. She gets out and comes around and we walk back into the pub we were at last night. I take a deep breath and steel myself for it.

The doorman wishes us good evening, and the DJ waves at her, they became thick friends yesterday. I just walk behind her, smiling mechanically, and wondering how no one notices. The music throbs harder and harder, and the lights are dim. Her blue jeans become the blue wraparound she was wearing last night, and we are sitting at the same table. She orders her fourth drink.

-- Are you sure about this? I mean we gotta get home and well do you want to show up drunk?
-- Oh shush, she says. I can hold my liquor, and you know it! Oh I LOVE this song! She squeals.

Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you; cos falling in love just makes me blue; well the music plays, and you display your heart for me to see; I had a beer, and now I hear you calling out for me; and I hope that I don't fall in love with you...

-- Let’s drink to the little shit, and believe me when I say little. She raises her glass in a drunken toast, and peers at me. You’re not drinking! You have to drink a toast! It’s bad luck otherwise!Reluctantly I raise my glass.

I can see that you are lonesome just like me, and it being late you'd like some company; well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me, the guy you're with he's up and split, the chair next to you is free; And I hope that you don't fall in love with me …

-- What shall we drink to today? She smiles at me across her Bloody Mary.
-- Um… how about… new avenues?
-- What?
-- Oh I mean… you know… just new stuff, doing new things…I trail off under her quizzical gaze. Fuckfuckfuck…how do I save this one? But she smiles and says, yeah, that’s a good thing to drink to today, and raises her glass.

Does this mean I can ask it?

-- We really should go now you know. They’ll be waiting for us.
-- Yeah ok. She giggles. I musta drunk too much.
-- Nah, you’ll be fine. I’m here no?I’m rewarded by a beam the diameter of the equator as she throws her arm around my neck and settles into me.
-- You’re too short for me. This amuses her no end, and she fails to see all the other things wrong with me. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that she doesn’t see them, and I wonder if I should point them out. But she feels so good against my side, and I shelve those doubts for now.

We pull in and I park.

-- Ok, I have to go and meet them, we don’t need you for a bit, will you come by later?
-- Ya..I’m not sure if it is a good idea to just leave her, but I have very little choice. So I go.

-- It’s a good thing you called to check on me last night, no? She says as we wait for the valet parking attendant to bring my car.
-- Yeah…
-- I mean, who would have made me lemon tea, and kept it all quiet from the others, there’s no way I could have covered by myself!
-- My pleasure babe, anytime you want.
-- What if it had been someone else? The state I was in… she shudders.

My little castle in the air is coming apart now; the first piece of mortar has fallen out.

-- What do you mean?
-- You know… Thank God you were there to take care of me.

She has given me the opening for the question. It’s now or never, I must ask her.
-- Sweetie, exactly how much of last night do you remember?
-- Well, not much after we left here, those DJ guys were sweet, na? Imagine they remember me! [What do I say? Do I tell you it’s because you flashed them on your way out?] And then we left na? And when we got there and you went off to meet them, then I threw up and by then you called and then you came even though I asked you not to…that’s so sweet of you na… bas and then you talked to me and listened to my nonsense and made me lemon tea and helped me drink it and put me to bed. Isn’t that it?

What do I tell you? That no, that’s not how it happened? That lemon tea was the beginning, that I held you when you cried and I promised to make it better; that I told you you’d never hurt again – I would make damn sure? That you were grateful, so grateful, and you clung to me and told me just how much you loved me, and said you’d show me? And that you did?

Now it's closing time, the music's fading out; last call for drinks I'll have another stout; well I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found, I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round; And I think that I just fell in love with you…

-- Yeah, that’s it. I turn to the valet so she won't see my face.
-- Madam, aapki gaadi.